Although on the surface they might look the characters you know and love,  that’s definitely not the case. The characters of the Sailor Moon Hell series of parodies have their own foibles and quirks that set them apart from their anime counterparts.  Here’s a Who’s Who of the cast of characters to help set things straight.

Usagi Tsukino is the star of this show and the ringleader of the whole gang. Once a super genius, she underwent a process of dumbification when her guardian plushie Luna fell out of orbit and scrambled her brain meats. Since then she’s used her godlike powers as Sailor Moon to do anything she wanted. From promiscious sex to drug abuse and every sort of offense in between, Usagi  lives her life running completely on her Id.

As Sailor Moon, Usagi has the powers to do seemingly whatever she wants and is prone to ending the world whenever things aren’t going her way.  Her powers dictate that every Christmas, she must perform one holiday miracle or the world will be destroyed (and the holidays will totally  suck.)

Ami Mizuno is the brains of the group, although how she got that title is unknown as she’s never seen doing anything smart. Ami started off as the quiet girl who sold drugs to the girls on the side. However, eventually Ami became struck down with a severe case of emo and hasn’t fully recovered since.  Ami recently discovered that her father underwent a sex change operation to become a woman.

As Sailor Mercury, Ami uses her emo tear  powers to fight evil, but she usually sucks . As Emo Mercury,  Ami became a twisted dark version of her former self and served Queen Beryl for unknown reasons. As Emo Mercury, Ami was a thousand times more badass and used a blade made from ice. However, Sailor Moon put an end to Mercury’s 15 minutes in the spotlight.

Rei Hino is the mysterious one with a dark past shrouded in secrecy. What little is known about Rei is that she worked for the Yakuza as a secret trained killer. Rei was the best killer there ever was and killed simply for the fun of it.  When Rei’s former Yakuza boss has a final job for her, Rei reluctantly takes it in hope to qwell her secret bloodlust. Rei is also a licensed bitch.

As Sailor Mars, Rei uses fire attacks and deadly Yakuza training to dispatch foes. Rei is often fond of using Post-It notes to confuse enemies. When Sailor Moon was thought to be out of control, Sailor Mars spearheaded the attack on her. However,  Rei ended up in the hospital for having the balls to take on her own leader.

Makoto Kino is the butch one who has an interest in other girls that goes beyond just a friendly level. Makoto is generally a simple girl who likes to help Usagi score drugs or get into other hair brained schemes. Makoto is just happy to be included most of the time.  For a time she was Usagi’s adopted daughter and earned the nickname Big Mako.  Makoto’s father killer her mother and himself in a murder suicide when Makoto was a little kid. This has lead many to believe she is cursed.

As Sailor Jupiter Makoto calls upon the power of thunder and overtly sexual themes to dispatch enemies. Of all the Sailor Whores, Makoto is least likely to use her powers for her own benefit, which explains why she is homeless and poor.

The black sheep of the Sailor Whores would be Minako Aino.  Minako’s greed and ambition are rival to Usagi’s and Minako is often scheming a way to take Sailor Moon down. Minako wears many hats, she has been a pimp, a musical star and even a corpse. One Christmas Minako contracted Super AIDS and was denied any assistance in the form of a  Christmas Miracle from Sailor Moon. Because of this, Minako died from her illness, but has since been mysteriously resurrected.

As Sailor Penis, Minako uses her pimp powers and her bondage chain to make her enemies submit. Sailor Penis was once a super hero known as Sailor V, who predated Sailor Moon by an unknown amount of time.  Minako has her own mentor in the form of Artemis. The two are also having an affair.

Nobody really knows what Luna is supposed to be. Half of the time she’s this purple cat stuffed animal that is somehow sentient and able to move on its own. Other times she’s a tweaked out little girl with unnaturally dark blue hair. No matter her form, Luna is the grand pimp of all the Sailor Whores and works her girls to the bone if need be. In her spare time, Luna loves to watch reality TV and will talk about her favorite shows nonstop to anyone who will listen.

As Sailor Luna, she uses the powers of candy and pure insanity to annoy her foes. Although not nearly as powerful as the rest of the team, she does seem to have making powers up as she goes along down to a science as she randomly uses acid flashback abilities seemingly out of nowhere.

With a name like Mamoru Cheeba, how could Usagi not love him? Mamoru is a playa, having shared a bed with nearly the entire collective cast. Although he plays the field, Mamoru tends to stick by Usagi, no matter how many times she has killed him. Mamoru is primarily a jerkass and proposes to Usagi, only to have the engagement broken off when he calls her fat.  Mamoru eventually does wed Usagi, but its not long afterwards before she kills him again as he has a tendency to become the love slave of any female villain the girls come across.

As Tuxedo Mask, Mamoru has very little power and that’s the way Usagi likes it. Tuxedo Mask mostly uses his pimp cane to attack, but on occasion will switch over to a sword instead depending on how royal everyone is feeling at the time.

Artemis is the other plushie cat mentor to the Sailor Whores. Artemis is a male cat of about middle age who never turns into a human form like his counterpart Luna. Artemis mostly mentors Minako and is also conducting an affair with her. Artemis was at one time married, but his indescrition lead to his wife leaving him. Artemis has two biological children who are for some reason both human and never given a name.

As a single father going through a tough divorce, Artemis doesn’t have as much of a hands on approach as Luna and tends to stick to the sidelines. He’s often too busy with his kids and his family life to participate in the grand scheme of things. Artemis has no discernable powers, unless somehow producing completely human children counts.

Queen Beryl is the main protagonist standing in the way of Sailor Moon. In fact, stand around is about all she ever does. She lives in the Dark Kingdom with her four love slaves that do all of her bidding. She oozes sexual tension and uses sex as a way to get her minions to do things for her. Queen Beryl is often caught up in a new trend or plan and seems to be competing with Sailor Moon for some unknown reason.

Even though Queen Beryl uses her sexuality whenever she can, she still claims to be a virign. This may have something to do with a strange looking genitalia as she has often repulsed people with her nude Myspace photos.  Either that or she’s saving herself for Mamoru, with whom she shares a romantic past.  As Queen of the Dark Kingdom she has generic purple powers, but they don’t compare to Usagi’s.

The second in command in the Dark Kingdom heirarchy is Kuntzite. Although he tries to be suave with the ladies, he’s usually looked down upon for being somewhat of a loser. Kuntzite still lives with his parents and does not seem to be capable of getting laid. His biggest plans to score usually come close to attempted rape and even those don’t pan out. His sexuality often comes into question as well.

Kuntzite has generic dark powers, coupled with black rose petals that do some dark stuff. Kuntzite uses a long sword, possibly to compensate for his penis size. For a brief period of time he thought he was a vampire, but he turned out to be a werewolf instead.  He is prone to running away once he starts losing a battle.

Zoisite is quiet and aloof and his intentions are never really clear. Besides being some sort of Japanese albino, Zoisite is also an accomplished musician who uses music both as a way of expression and to do battle.  Zoisite is gay and he too has had a love affair with Mamoru. Zoisite has proven to be extremely jealous and has attacked women for getting too close to “his man.”

Zoisite is a lover, not a fighter, but when he needs to be he is deadly with a switchblade and is not afraid to stab a bitch.  Zoisite has taken a few levels in sneak attack.  Although a part of the Dark Kingdom, he often defies Queen Beryl and has worked alongside the Sailor Whores in the past.

Nephrite is the loser of the group and is often the butt of several jokes. He can’t seem to cut a break in the Dark Kingdom as someone is always ragging on him. However, this might be due to the fact that he is a whiny bitch. Nephrite tries to be a team player, but can’t help and moan when things aren’t going his way.  He’s a tattletale and a brown noser, but Queen Beryl treats him like dirt anyways. Despite wanting to get laid all the time, Beryl is constantly deflecting Nephrite’s sexual advances.

When Nephrite goes into battle he too uses a sword, however his is smaller than Kuntzite’s. In fact, his is probably one of Kuntzite’s old hand me downs. He too can use dark generic powers, but he usually just gets his ass kicked.

Jadeite is the youngest member of the Dark Kingdom and the one that Queen Beryl cherishes the most. Jadeite fills the role of the baby in the little Dark Kingdom family, although he’s also Beryl’s plaything in the bedroom as well. Since he’s so young though, it can be assumed the two can’t have gotten far, which explains Beryl’s virginity.  Jadeite is eager to please and will carry out his Queen’s orders with little protest.

Jadeite hasn’t grown up enough to use real weapons yet, so he’s stuck with just a little dagger when he goes out into battle. Jadeite has also been seen to use nonsensical black magic to help Beryl suceed with her schemes.

Mio is just about the strangest member of the Dark Kingdom crew. She goes to school with Usagi and seems to have some sort of friendship with her, yet she schemes with the Dark Kingdom to take her down. Mio has also had a romantic fling with Mamoru in the past and has been completely candid with Usagi about it. Mio then helps Usagi to train in order to kill Mamoru.  Mio talks to a stuffed dog named Scabby. Mio is just one crazy bitch.

Mio’s dark powers don’t manifest until she finds out that Mamoru and Usagi are about to be married. From then out, Mio displays a power that almost rivals Beryl and Sailor Moon with a whole fucked up carnival of freaky clown ninjas. Mio then became a crazy tentacle monster, was blown up by the Sailor Whores and hasn’t been seen since.

In Sailor Moon Teufel the cast of Sailor Moon Hell were magically turned back into anime characters. Although their hair was much more colorful, their personalities were relatively the same. However, the series introduced viewers to a whole new breed of characters.

Haruka is one of the Outer Whores, a group of older girls who can smoke cigarettes and drive cars. She is often seen with her homosexual life partner and sometimes cousin Michiru. In their relaitionship, Haruka is the butch one and this personality comes across in her role as a Sailor Whore as well.  Haruka is never afraid to take a second to undress the enemy with her eyes before beating the shit out of them. Haruka and Michiru, unable to produce any children of their own, decide to adopt Hotaru.

As Sailor Uranus, Haruka uses the power of her Uranus Buttplug to dispatch enemies. Her most powerful attack is Uranus Fisting which is as much a pleasure to her as it is to her enemies. Sailor Uranus is also quick on her feet and a speedy runner.  Despite having a name like Uranus, she is surprisingly the butt of few “your anus” jokes. Possibly because she’s so aggressive that everyone is afraid to do so.

Michiru is Haruka’s lover, partner and sometimes her cousin as well. Michiru represents the feminine side of their relationship and yearns to start a family with Haruka. Michiru is not able to do so because she is barren. However, as Haruka has no penis it is a moot point. The two eventually adopt Hotaru and raise her together. This does not curb Michiru of her general perversion and her lust for Haruka. She’s often turned on by the slightest thing.

Michiru uses the powers of the Neptune Dildo to transform into Sailor Neptune.  Her attack, Neptune Seed, is a whole lot of donated baby batter that won’t ever be put to its intended use.  Neptune also has a mirror with Satanic imagery on it and has been known to dabble in the occult. Just what her connection to it is unknown, but she has been open to the idea of having sex with the villains, so that may have something to do with it.

Just who she is and where she comes from is a mystery, but Setsuna just shows up one day with a baby in hand. A single mother of the ugly baby Hotaru, Setsuna is dealing with a harsh case of postpartum depression.  She steals the baby away from her father and ambles around the city trying to find something to do with her. After nearly letting Hotaru die, Setsuna allows Michiru and Haruka to adopt her.  Strangely enough, this causes Setsuna to become more involved in her daughter’s life again.

Setsuna is also dealing with the fact that Pluto is no longer a planet and that she has been bumped down to Sailor Plutoid. As Sailor Plutoid, she is a true pimp master and uses the power of the Plutoid Pimp Cane.  Plutoid’s severe depression makes it so she doesn’t give a fuck, so fittingly her attack “Plutoid Fucking Fuck” fits perfectly with her pessimistic view of life.

Hotaru’s main schpeal is her ability to transform seemingly overnight. Ever since she was a baby, Hotaru had the ability to see glimpses of the future. This ability gives her strange deus ex machina aging and she grows from an infant to pre-teen in a matter of days. Hotaru is friends with Cheeba-User for awhile, but decides she is too worthless and that she wants to be a main character instead. Hotaru is the daughter of Setsuna, but was adopted by Haruka and Michiru as a child. She also has the weird ability to give power ups to people.

As Sailor Saturn, Hotaru uses the power of her 9-Foot Pole to prove her usefulness. It’s made from some sort of space metal and is big enough to cut a Buick in half. Sailor Saturn was trained by her lesbian mothers and hones what she learned in her Saturn Anal Rape attack using her 9-Foot Pole. This is a powerful attack capable of dispatching even the most depraved sluts.

There was a serious void in sickeningly cute characters so Cheeba-User came along to fill that gap. The supposed offspring of Usagi and Mamoru, Cheeba-User is simply there to fill space and attract the younger 4-6 year old demographic. When she’s not being useless, Cheeba-User is lusting after her own father, Mamoru, in heiniously disturbing ways. She is also used as a pawn by The Devil and busts out some random Satanic abilities to summon Queen Nehelenia.

Cheeba-User can turn into Sailor Useless Moon, but only if alongside Sailor Moon because she’s useless on her own. As Sailor Useless Moon, Cheeba-User does nothing, contributes zip and has no discernable powers. In fact, at times she is so useless, she fades completely from existance. After defeating Nehelenia, it is decided that Cheeba-User should be locked up in a mental hospital.

When Luna and Artemis make the jump from live-action to anime, they are rewarded with real cat status. However, there’s a few changes. For starters, Luna is no longer able to transform into a human girl. Not that that made any sense in the first place anyway. Another change is that the two are now the proud parents of tiny kitten Diana, who is the pet and guardian to Cheeba-User. This makes Diana useless by proxy.

The biggest change however, is the fact that Luna and Artemis, being real cats and not stuffed animals, can only speak in one language: Lolcat.  Can somebody say “I CAN HAZ MOONBURGER?”

Queen Nehelenia is the next in the line of a seemingly endless stream of Sailor Moon villains who want to steal her boyfriend. Nehelenia was just minding her own business, floating around in her weird mirror dimension when she heard The Devil speak to her and offer her all the coke she could ever snort with her tiny anime nose. Nehelenia had no choice but to accept the offer and set about a plan which would take Mamoru away from Usagi yet again.

Queen Nehelenia uses an assortment of magic mirrors, glass nekkid ladies and other illusionary tricks to combat the Sailor Whores. She lives in her own dimension where she is her own god. However, this does not prevent her from getting her ass handed to her by Sailor Moon. Despite collecting all of the Sailor Whores in magic mirrors, Sailor Moon still blew her shit straight up and sent the bitch back to Hell where she came from.

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